unfocused.

Today marks the end of spring break. How sad! I really wanted to be really productive during those few days and yet I come back to school to see that I haven’t gotten anything accomplished. Today we got our third quarter grades.
CLS- B (88.64%) whatthefuck. How did I drop like 5%? I swear, Mr. Mustillo makes up these numbers.
APSPANISH- A (89.88%) HAHA YES! I did surprisingly well on the objective but I failed hablar AND escribir. I don’t get it because I always do well on escribir…hmmm.
JAPANESEII- A (?) I didn’t get my grade but no one gets a B in Japanese unless they don’t come to class -.-
APUSH- B/C (79.9%) I am sort of confused because the raw grade was 69.9% and he said he’d round but I wasn’t sure if he meant from a 69->70 argh.
MATH- A? (?) She still didn’t do the freaking grades. WTF I get my comp back and it’s like points off for “I expect a better circle” WHAT IS THIS MADNESS.
APLANGUAGE- A (92%) hahaha I always do better than I expect in this class but I can’t believe that I suck so much at the objective. Sad…too sad.
CHOIR- A (100%) Despite ditching so many times he never keeps attendance so whatever.

AHHH what a horrible GPA! I swear I will get a 3.7+ by the end of this semester.

Damn it I am so nerdy. Not even because my grades are so-so. Okay, I see that it is 8:26pm and I really want to watch “How I met your mother” because that show is legendary so I will come back to finish this entry and really spill out what I’ve been feeling these past couple of days.

——

Hah. that was a funny episode. Marshall’s job…gone. Gone like my life D: My life is getting out of control. My eating habits are making me really unhealthy. I feel so fat now and I feel really sluggish. I bike but I don’t think it’s helping. Perhaps I should try running now. I have this bad habit of eating when I’m bored and I’m not as skinny as I use to be. I feel out of shape and I feel really gross. It really is a horrible feeling.

Today today today.

Well, we went out to eat yesterday night and I ordered iced coffee. Oh, bad idea. Viet coffee is so strong and I thought it’d help me stay up to finish reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and oh yeah, it did…but I couldn’t sleep at all. So I decided to get out of bed at 7:00amish to get ready for school. I was done at 7:15am and I decided to go to school early so I could beat traffic. Well, I’ll be damned..there were so many cars! I ended up arriving the same time as I usually do.

I saw Connie when she came out of APUSH..ah, I missed her :[ we don’t hang out anymore. I should say something but whenever I’m around her I feel like she doesn’t want to be bothered. I’m kind of sad that our friendship is heading towards an end, even though we said that we’d be friends til we’re middle-aged and eating brunch. Of course, everything everyone says to me is just ideal and it’ll never happen. I just wished that for once what we plan actually turns into reality.

School was completely horrid and there was no point in coming today because we didn’t do anything. I feel so tired and sick when I’m at school. Maybe I’m getting allergic to it =,= I think because I keep complaining about school and how much I hate it..that I physically get tired of being there. I swear sometimes I’m crazy.

I’m thinking about maybe applying for college later. I should probably for a winter or spring quarter, instead of the fall semester. It’s too competitive anyways. I’m so confused about college, about growing up, about responsiblities. I think I’m just immature but I can’t possibly be an “adult” at 18. Within less than a year, society expects me to grow up, to survive on my own.

That’s another thing that worries me. What about my parents? I’m the youngest so they’re okay but I feel jealous of everyone else that has younger parents. Do my peers ever worry about what could happen to their parents? Does the idea of death and being orphaned ever cross their mind? I am not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of losing my parents. I dream about it. I think about it. The very possibility makes me so depressed. I am not ready. I’m almost 18 so I’d be forced out anyways but…I don’t want things to end. I don’t want to lose what little things I have left.

Sometimes I wish that I could turn back a few years to make things right. To fix things between my parents and me, between my friends, to fix my education. I know that it’s not too late for me but I am surrounded by people who are so certain of their future. It sickens me. How do you know it’s right for you? And I’m evil for thinking it, but I hope that those kind of people end up unsatsified with their lives. Too many people choose one path and try to stick with it their entire lives only to figure out that they’ve strayed too far from other paths and backtracking is futile.

I am bitter. I am very bitter. I am a bitter person. I want to be a better person. I want to change. But I know why nothing happens. It is because I am not trying. I never try enough. I don’t make a big effort. I will always be in the middle. I am average. I am like everyone else. I don’t want to be special. I want to be happy. I try to be happy. But then again, my efforts fall short of where I want to be. The unattainable goal. The goal that I’ve been aiming for. It’s so close but I think I will never reach it.

My life, my goals, my vision…it is all unfocused.