I don’t get it.

This is day 2 of my spring break.

So far it’s been pretty… relaxed. Haven’t really done anything.

Today I woke up at 6a.m. Well, I always seem to wake up around that time. But I went back to sleep then woke up at 10am. I went to work the night before so I brought home a few movies to watch. Got a bowl of cherrios and hopped back on my fold-out couch to watch “Enchanted” and “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”. Both movies were very good, except I thought the latter was such a beautiful film. Enchanted was fun, happy. But What’s Eating Gilbert Grape had a lot more substance. Yeah, I love Johnny Depp :]

I finished both movies around 1:40pm and after seeing Gilbert’s mom.. I felt that I should excercise. I’m a junior and we don’t have P.E. anymore! Gosh, I haven’t ran in a year and my bike’s tires are deflating. Plus, I felt so constrained to the house..I needed to get out. Yeap, so I change my clothes, grab my iPod, prep my bike, and off I went. To where? No idea, but I needed to get out of the city. On the way to the park a car stopped by to ask about where Wal-Mart was. LOL I was all surprised because no one has ever asked me for directions before. So I gave them the streets they needed to turn on and all. Except when they left I was scared I might have gave them the wrong directions but I didn’t. hehehe..

So I needed to get away. No, I didn’t want to go to the park near my house because I’d see all my neighbors. So I took the river bed path and headed straight. The wind was blowing against me and I felt like I was going to get thrown into the river. A couple of kids, no..teens, had gotten on the bike path and was maybe 100 feet away from me? I wasn’t going fast enough to pass them but I didn’t want to seem stalkerish. They were perhaps 14? years old. I felt kind of jealous. They had each other and they still had their high school life to play out. I often forget I’m 17. Just one more year until I’m an “adult”. This reality is quite frightening…I messed up so much and I don’t know how to fix it all. So I didn’t want to spend my time alone staring at two lovebirds in front of me so when we reached a down sloped hill I just sped up and passed them. I love my bike, it’s so fast. I reached the large bridge that merges two rivers into one. I was thinking about biking all the way to Seal Beach but I didn’t have my lock and I was tired & without water. So I just rested a bit and then headed back. I stopped at El Dorado Park and sought a green patchy grass area to rest. I wasn’t tired at all and if anything I felt, at that moment, I could just keep biking until the path ended. But I just laid down on the grass and stared at the tree branches. This time was for me.
No work.
No school.
No cleaning.
No friends.
No college.
No planning.
No worries.
Nothing.
I was liberated. I really wanted to sleep but I figured that’s not safe since I was alone and well, you just don’t fall asleep in parks unless you want to get raped so I just laid down and for once just listened to my surroundings. I didn’t have a blanket so I used my hoodie to cover my head. I thought about how someone probably died on the very spot I was laying on, about how some stupid dog probably urinated on the grass, about how countless people sat on that earth. It’s all a cycle. Just like my life. I never realized how beautiful nature is. Everything was alive around me. The wind, the tree, the very ground I was laying on. I sat there for about half an hour but it seemed like eternity. Time went by slowly but it wasn’t boring, no, it was… refreshing. If I have money when I’m older, I’d like to buy a small cottage in the middle of a green forest, somewhere near a creek. I think that’d be a beautiful place.

While I was laying on the ground I thought about the moment I told my brother I was going biking. I wondered what would happen if I disappeared? I had no cell phone with me, no form of identification. I never found cell phones to be necessary. I don’t need one because I have no use for it. I have no one to call, no one to call me. I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with someone. Like, really talked. Anyways, that’s why I don’t have a cell phone. No one calls me anymore and I’m sick of always being the one to initiate a conversation or plan some activity. Fuck that because I’m tired to trying to patch things up. Friendship is a two way street.

Anyways, I headed back home and good thing I brought my keys because my brother left & literally locked every door and window. I took a shower then he came home with his friend. The house is a mess AGAIN and I’m really not up to cleaning right now. I’ll deal with it tomorrow. I don’t get it. Everyone is rarely home so why does the house get so messy? Argh…I can’t believe mothers have to deal with this. That’s why I hate kids. I’m okay with cleaning up after myself but with someone’s mess… ugh.

Alrighty..I’m feeling kinda hungry so until next time :]