Why bother?

Today was a “dead day”, which really translates into: whythefuckamIwastingmytimeinschoolanyways

I just have to endure three days of finals before my spring break. Ahhh.. seems like such a long time. I should be studying right now but I’m a bit pissed off and hungry to really care. Today, aside from being pointless, was actually quite important. I realized something today. I try not to let these things get to me but yes, I feel like I’m being pushed towards a breaking point.

I ignore what people say because I’m really not interested and who the fuck cares about what so-and-so thinks. But with friends it’s different. Because they are the very few people that I care about. & that’s the hilarious thing about friends. We tend to not take things seriously when we’re talking with them. Or perhaps that’s how I feel. I find myself more irritated towards my friends than other people. Maybe I’m just not good at making and keeping friends. I don’t trust people anyways. Not that it stems from any past broken friendships but I have never, ever felt comfortable around any friend. Isn’t that sad? I don’t know, maybe I haven’t really met anyone that connects with me on that level. But for the current friends I have now… I feel like our friendships are failing. Failing like my APUSH grades. Failing like everything else in my life. I guess I wasn’t meant for long term friendships. I can’t even maintain a good relationship with my family. I don’t know, I feel like I’m constantly falling. Where is my life going?

“You’re such a liar.”
“You’re such a cheat.”
“You’re going to fail anyways.”
No, bitch, shut up. You don’t know anything about me and like hell you’re even trying to understand me. This entire year you’ve pretty much stopped caring about our friendship and I don’t know why I still bother to mend it. The same goes for all my other relationships. I tried to fix things and nothing worked. So I give up. I am tired of always being the one of trying to apologize for a fault that was never mine. Fuck it all. I find myself more and more irritated when I’m at school and when I’m surrounded by my peers. I know I’m pretty selfish for complaining but I when I look at all the people I grew up with, they’re all so much happier. What happened to me along the way?

I’m probably thinking too much into this. I need to cook dinner before my dad comes home. I try to convince myself I’m a good person by balancing schoolwork and taking over all the duties my mom left behind but I’m on the verge of a breakdown. Sometimes I just lay down and wish that tomorrow will be different but nothing ever changes.